It’s important to understand that you can find a way to move forward together if you want to. But it’s also OK to decide you don’t want to pursue something further. Open and honest communication is key.

The closet may be a popular metaphor for explaining whether other people know about someone’s sexual orientation or gender identity. But to be frank, it’s a bad metaphor.

It suggests that there are just two options: You’re in or out. But that’s not the lived experience for many LGBTQ+ people.

“Someone could be out with friends and family, but not at work if they feel their workplace would discriminate against them due to their identity,” said AASECT-certified sex therapist Casey Tanner.

It also overlooks that coming out is a lifelong practice. Every time you meet someone new — be it a mutual friend, new clinician, or potential partner — you have to decide whether to share your identifiers.

The same applies when someone asks about your weekend plans, dating life, celebrity crushes, or even favorite TV shows or movies.

“Coming out exists on the spectrum,” she said. “There isn’t one right or wrong way to come out, and it’s something that’s ongoing.”

Although the world is more diverse than ever before, many still consider being heterosexual and cisgender the “default.”

As such, people in LGBTQ+ communities have to name their identities explicitly for those identities to be known, explained Tanner.

Sure, there are moments when being open could feel empowering or community-building, they said. But the reality is that having to name your identity to validate your existence can feel like a burden.

There are several other reasons someone may not want to come out, such as:

If you’re reading this and aren’t out, you may be nervous that it will affect your ability to find mutual love and care.

It won’t, said Tanner. Many people in LGBTQ+ communities are more than happy to support loved ones and partners through the coming out process.

“Most of us have been there at one point or another and have leaned on the wisdom and support of ‘elder queers’ through that journey,” she said.

Ultimately, a relationship’s ability to work in the short or long term depends on each partner’s ability to:

You can be cognizant of the fact that everyone deserves the grace of sharing their identity when and with who they want and acknowledge that your differing status may be having a less-than-ideal effect on your relationship.

“Two truths can exist at once,” said Tanner.

Share how you’re feeling

You may want your partner to share that you’re dating with their friends, parents, or co-workers. But you can’t pressure them to do so by using the “If you don’t X, then Y” language.

Because coming out can cause someone to lose their job and family access and even lead to violence, giving an ultimatum is ultimately not a fair or just way to approach this conversation.

“Remember: Sharing your feelings isn’t the same thing as requesting an accelerated coming-out timeline,” they said.

You might say something like:

  • “I respect the decisions you’re making around who to come out with and when. I’ve also noticed that it brings up some anxiety for me because of where I am on my journey. Would you be open to talking about how we can navigate this together?”
  • “Baby, it hurt my feelings when you introduced me as your friend rather than your girlfriend at that party. I’d love it if we could talk about how we can handle those kinds of questions in a way that feels good for us both.”
  • “I love that you’re exploring your identity and learning more about yourself, but I’m struggling with feeling like you’re ashamed of our partnership.”

If you’re not planning to leave your partner, make that clear. “This will help you create a more secure container for your conversation,” said Tanner.

Get specific about what you need

If you already know what would help you feel better appreciated and more desired and ease your anxieties about your partner’s care for you, go ahead and share that.

If not, invite your partner to brainstorm with you on the topic.

Here’s what that could look like:

  • “When you don’t hold my hand in public, I start to doubt that you’re physically attracted to me. Can I ask that you make extra sure to compliment my appearance or outfit after a day out of the house?”
  • “When you call me a ‘friend’ to other boys, I fall down an anxiety spiral where I tell myself that you want them to think you’re single because you’d rather be with them. I think I’d feel more secure in this dynamic if you told people more explicitly that you’re not on the market or currently looking.”
  • “The fact that you haven’t told your parents about us makes me question our long-term potential. I think some other representation of our commitment would be really helpful for me, be it a tattoo, shared lease, or ring.”

That said, you may have to do some self-worth work on your own time. A partner keeping your relationship quiet may feel personal, but it usually isn’t.

Encourage your partner to get support

Whether you’ve been out for 1 year or 10 years, odds are you remember that not being out can be emotionally taxing.

If your partner isn’t out to their close friends or family, they’re not getting emotionally refilled from their usual support system.

As such, you might encourage them to go to an LGBTQ+ support group or queer-inclusive therapist so they can talk about the emotional drain and process what’s keeping them from coming out.

It’s OK if you don’t want to date someone who isn’t out

“Offering your partners grace as they explore their identities is wonderful, and it’s also not for everyone,” said Tanner. “You can appreciate their coming out journey and choose not to be a part of it.”

She added that “It’s perfectly OK to want a partner who is solidly living in their queerness and who celebrates your queer love openly.”

Desiring this doesn’t make you impatient, demanding, needy, or any other similar adjective, they said.

When you care about someone, it’s natural to want them to soft (or hard!) launch your relationship on TikTok, write cheeky Instagram captions about you, and shout your name from the proverbial rooftop.

But these public gestures can feel impossible, and even downright harmful, for someone who has not yet shared their sexual orientation or gender identity with others.

That doesn’t mean that your S.O. doesn’t love you or that they’re not proud of you. It simply means that we live in a cis-hetero patriarchal society.

Still, it is wholly up to you whether you choose to move forward in this relationship with patience and love or leave it to preserve your mental well-being.

Gabrielle Kassel (she/her) is a queer sex educator and wellness journalist who is committed to helping people feel the best they can in their bodies. In addition to Healthline, her work has appeared in publications such as Shape, Cosmopolitan, Well+Good, Health, Self, Women’s Health, Greatist, and more! In her free time, Gabrielle can be found coaching CrossFit, reviewing pleasure products, hiking with her border collie, or recording episodes of the podcast she co-hosts called Bad In Bed. Follow her on Instagram @Gabriellekassel.