Yes, retroactive jealousy is a fairly common experience. It can occur when someone feels insecure about their partner’s past relationships, leading to worry that they may become attracted to someone else.

While it’s common to be curious or experience occasional jealousy from time to time, retroactive jealousy can become a problem if it leads to:

  • distress or harm for the individual or their partner
  • obsessive thoughts or paranoia
  • compulsive behaviors, such as:
    • asking persistent questions about a partner’s past relationships
    • seeking constant validation or reassurance about the current relationship
    • checking a partner’s phone or social media accounts to find out more information about their ex
    • calling them when they’re not home due to distrust or anxiety that they’re cheating

If you’re experiencing jealousy about your partner’s past relationships, know that you’re not alone. It doesn’t make you a bad partner, but it can lead to feelings of anxiety and overwhelm about your current relationship and affect how you show up as a partner.

There are many ways you can manage these feelings, such as:

  • Having open communication: It can be helpful to voice how you’re feeling to your partner and avoid bottling up your worries. However, it’s important to focus on building an understanding without directing blame or seeking constant reassurance.
  • Redirecting your energy: Try to focus on spending meaningful time with your partner and thinking about how you can grow and nurture your relationship.
  • Setting boundaries: This can help to stop compulsive behaviours, such as avoiding looking through your partner’s phone or checking their ex’s social media accounts
  • Growing your self-esteem: Focusing on taking care of your mental health and engaging in activities that help you to recognize and grow your self-worth may help to reduce feelings of insecurity.

If retroactive jealousy is negatively affecting your day-to-day life, including your relationship, it can be helpful to speak with a mental health professional. They can work with you to identify your triggers and put together a treatment plan to help.