When someone you love is living with depression, thoughtful questions can create space for understanding, connection, and meaningful support. Here’s how to get started.

Supporting a partner through depression can feel confusing. You may worry about saying the wrong thing or not giving your partner what they need.

Thoughtful, open-ended questions is often a helpful place to begin, as these can can create space for honesty and help you better understand what your partner needs.

To offer guidance, we spoke with Karen Letofsky and Julie Fast.

Karen has spent more than 40 years working in mental health and suicide prevention and was awarded Canada’s highest civilian honor for her contributions. Julie, who lives with bipolar disorder, has dedicated her career to coaching and writing about mood disorders, including her bestselling book Taking Charge of Bipolar Disorder.

Both emphasize that communication, empathy, and understanding are essential in any relationship, and especially important when one or both partners are living with a mental health condition.

The following questions are designed to help you and your partner start conversations that foster clarity, support, and connection.

These aren’t questions to “diagnose” whether or not your partner has depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, or related disorders. That’s something for you both to find out with the help of a mental health professional.

Instead, these questions are designed to help you determine if your partner’s symptoms are getting the upper hand:

  • Are you sleeping more or less than you normally do?
  • Are you eating more or less than you normally do?
  • Are you tasting your food when you eat?
  • Do you feel tired no matter how much you sleep?
  • Are you capable of enjoying things right now?
  • Is it hard for you to do personal grooming?
  • Are you having thoughts of your own death?

Karen reminds us that there’s a difference between simply “feeling down” and experiencing symptoms of clinical depression. These questions help determine which is happening.

Julie says that, as a partner, you probably already know the answer to these questions, but asking them helps your partner feel respected and gives them agency.

It can be tempting to just do things for your partner when they’re in a depressive state, because one symptom of depression is lack of motivation. But Julie Fast warns that this may be a mistake, leading instead to increasing their sense of helplessness and dependency.

Karen and Julie suggest these questions to help your partner find their own way through their symptoms, with you there by their side:

  • What helped the last time you were depressed like this?
  • What do we need to do as a team to get through this rotten downswing?
  • What’s the best way for me to help you?
  • How are you doing with your medications? Are you feeling any difference?
  • Who can we call to help us get through this tough time?
  • What do you need from me?
  • What changes can help you feel better right now?

Both experts also emphasized the use of collaborative language to help your partner feel supported. Avoid placing blame or full responsibility on your partner, but also avoid taking on all agency or responsibility for yourself.

If you’re the partner in a caregiving role, this section is for you. Supporting someone with depression can take a real emotional and physical toll, which is why self-care is essential for maintaining both your own well-being and the health of your relationship.

Julie believes this so strongly that she wrote the book “Loving Someone with Bipolar Disorder,” dedicated entirely to helping partners navigate this role.

To ground yourself, consider reflecting privately on a few questions:

  • Are you getting between 7 and 9 hours of sleep each night?
  • Are you drinking or using drugs to cope with the stress?
  • Are you moving your body daily?
  • Are you eating nutritious foods?
  • Are you experiencing physical symptoms like headaches, insomnia, or digestive issues?
  • Do you have people you can talk to who understand what you’re going through?
  • Where can you locate resources to help you?

Karen compares caregiving to the familiar airplane safety instruction: in the unlikely event of cabin pressure loss, you’re told to put your own oxygen mask on first.

While your instinct may be to focus entirely on your partner, neglecting yourself ultimately leaves both of you struggling. When you take steps to care for your own needs, you’re better equipped to offer steady, sustainable support.

Both Karen and Julie emphasize that partners should try to avoid any questions or comments intended to “cheer up” somebody in a depressive state. Equally important, they recommend not asking questions that may feel as if you’re blaming your partner for being ill.

For example:

  • Don’t you see how lucky you are?
  • Why are you making such a big deal about this small thing?
  • Do you feel better now?
  • What’s the matter with you?
  • What do you have to be depressed about?

Although it sometimes works with someone who’s just “down in the dumps” or “stressed out,” it’s best not to trivialize what your depressed partner is going through.

Instead, use language that validates their feelings, as this can help your partner feel supported and understood.

Caring for a partner with depression requires compassion, but it also requires boundaries and ongoing self-care.

As Karen Letofsky and Julie Fast emphasize, prioritizing your own physical and emotional well-being strengthens your ability to offer meaningful, sustainable support

By asking thoughtful questions, staying curious about your partner’s experience, and checking in with yourself regularly, you can create a foundation built on empathy, honesty, and resilience for both of you.

Jason Brick is a freelance writer and journalist who came to that career after over a decade in the health and wellness industry. When not writing, he cooks, practices martial arts, and spoils his wife and two fine sons. He lives in Oregon.